Communication Breakdown

I decided to start writing my thoughts down again.

So, the thing that has got me going now is my own failing as a communicator. To start with, I am not a mean person. Sometimes though, I communicate in a way that sounds mean-spirited. This is because there's some kind of anger behind my words. I'm not saying I should sanitize my communication so that anger never comes through, but in some situations, maybe I should just hold back until any anger or irritation has subsided. Context is important. Unfortunately, my judgment is terrible on what is appropriate vs. inappropriate communication. At work, for example, it's important that communications are presented in a productive way. You have to be able to remove your feelings from a situation and evaluate how a communication will be perceived. It needs to be presented in a way that helps, empowers, and moves things forward in a positive way. This is where I fail. Epic fail. I have a hard time removing my feelings from any of my communication, which is evident to people who have spent time around me.

I think this is where I can use the blog. Blow off steam here. Try to get my thoughts down and make sense of them. Then I can share them with friends and family. I think it's safe to say that if I blog it, then I am seeking counsel and soliciting insights, comments, and help.

So, when I fuck up a communication, I suffer over it for days. I have a hard time forgiving myself. Beyond that, if it happens at work, I spend a lot of time worrying that I have screwed up the team dynamic, or caused my coworkers to think less of me. Worst case, I find myself worrying that my communications gaffes will result in a very undesirable fate for me at my job... And I love my job and would hate to ever lose it. I would hate to have my communication problems screw up my career progress as well.

So, I screw up. Once it's done, it's done. The best I can do is apologize and try to make it right.

One of the problems is that I am not even aware sometimes about how my communication may be perceived, until it's brought to my attention or until I've gone back and re-read it hours or days later.

One thing that's lacking in my life is some support. There's nobody to say it's OK, you're OK, you're not a bad person just because you made a mistake... So I can repeat these things to myself... but it makes me feel better if someone else says it.

Entering the pit of despair...