Well nobody's reading this fucking thing...

So, I'll just repeat the word fuck as any fucking times as I'm fucking able to... Fuck.

Nobody gives a fuck what's going on. Nobody cares what I'm thinking about. Nobody cares about my fucking plans. Nobody nobody nobody.

Fuckety fuck fucking fuckety fuck.

Hey Fuckers

That's all.

need a home

I'm really not in a good frame of mind. I'm confused now. Maybe confusion isn't the right description. Let's say, I don't know what I should do about the home search. It's time for me to buy a home of some kind. It's also about time I set up my living environment to support a healthier frame of mind. Unfortunately, I'm now skeptical about finding a neighborhood I'm comfortable with and that I can afford. I feel sick.

progression regression depression

A lot has improved in the last year. At times, I am able to see myself in a more favorable light. Actually, a lot of the time. Despite this, it doesn't take much to bring out a palpable sense of complete emptiness, despair, failure, and fear. It's difficult to embrace the idea that there's much of a future, although attempting to buy a home is a step in that direction.

What's bugging me? I spent the weekend looking for places to live. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here in Seattle. I'm not a city-person. Maybe I do need to just admit it and move over to Bellevue or Redmond or some other lame-ass place.

unnamed unknown

I'm stressing a bit over the living situation. It's time to find a new place. I'm trying to find a place to buy, someplace that I can make feel more like a home. Unfortunately, I am uncomfortable with anything that feels too urban. I was raised a suburban kid and I guess that hasn't changed. I just feel my anxiety increase when I am surrounded by a bunch of pavement and cars. I need to separate myself from all that stuff in order to feel sane. Ballard is just not gonna cut it in that regard. Some areas of Ballard might work but those are not the locations where the affordable homes are.

I was spoiled growing up in such a quiet, calm, suburban neighborhood. It was clean, well kept, green, attractive, on a very quiet street and several streets away from any other busy streets. These are the things I associate with feeling relaxed and at home. I actually find it almost despicable that I'm such a spoiled suburban kid and can't deal with neighborhoods that aren't quite as neat and clean.... but it is what it is.

So, I have to deal with the reality of who I am. I only feel comfortable in a clean, quiet neighborhood, with grass and trees... That's what I need to find... It's just not easy to do in Seattle (affordably)... Am I going to need to go over to West Seattle? Or the Eastside? Frankly, either one of those would make for a shitty commute to the new Amazon campus. Sometimes I really wish for a simpler life in a simple town... Seattle is great, but the only neighborhood I feel like I'd be comfortable living in is Queen Anne...

It's too bad, cuz I saw a few really nice townhouses in Ballard (that I could've afforded). Just wasn't comfortable with the neighborhood.

Now I'm down on this home-search process. Fuck.

Had a few dull pangs of anxiety on the walk home tonight, thinking about buying a home. It's not even about any of the "business" of making a deal, etc... It's about change. Changing neighborhood, surroundings, paths I walk or drive, stores where I shop, which bus routes I take, people I see every day. Certainly not stressful in the same way as moving to Seattle was, but I need to find the right neighborhood.

fight the power

I have no concern for the oil industry. No one needs to stand up for them. They have every fucking advantage they need to squash the public interest if they wish. I have picked a side; I choose marshlands, wildlife, fish, beaches, and endangered species. I have NO interest in being reasonable about this.

Uplifting thought for the day.

Yes, I feel old. And no, I don't have any more dreams to fulfill (except maybe getting laid again sometime before I die) and I don't expect to ever accomplish anything of value. I will not be remembered.

I would give anything to be 20 years old again, but I'd probably waste my life all over again.

You know what they say... "Youth is wasted on the young."

I'm 46 and it's just a long slog until I keel over... I hope to have laughs and friends and meaningful relationships, but I'm not that amped about anything. The world is a bucket of feces.

The End.

strategery

I just had to use that as a title.

What is strategery? I am going to think about this and write more. Feel free to suggest answers.

strategy

There's no simple answer. The issue isn't a single communication, or a strategy. It's a deeper question of my own disappointments, or anger, or insecurities, or whatever psychological garbage is driving me at any given moment.

The problem is that the editor is the same as the writer. The same mental filter used to produce a communication is also used to edit. So the idea of producing an emotionally neutral communication is naive...

The situation that motivated the earlier post was an email sent to a co-worker critiquing some stuff he had done. It's my job to try to improve quality and offer honest critique, but it's not my job to go any further than that. It's also my job to deliver the information in a way that respects a co-worker. I failed in that.

It's a problem when the person I am trying to critique, in all honesty, is clueless and incompetent.... and they were responsible for a project that I am certain I wanted and could've done a better job with. So my own personal feelings got involved... In cases such as this, I should just remove myself from the situation and leave it alone, until I am sure I am delivering an emotionally neutral communication. Probably requires at least a few hours after writing to go back to it with a clear head and read it as if I were the person on the other end.

I just discovered the missing link. Imagine I am the person on the other end and think about how I would receive the information if it were sent to me. That is the issue. My communication is about ME, and not about the other person.

Aaah, communication is about the other person, not me.

echo

Whether it's placebo or not, I feel the difference when I'm on anti-depressant medications. Less frayed, less agitated, and less prone to have those fearful moments when everything feels completely empty.

Once I have some support in place, I will try to get off them again. That could be awhile...... We'll see.

I'm OK with my communication breakdown situation now. Fortunately, the person who was the potential victim of my ineptitude did not take offense. I'm still not thrilled with myself, but what else is new?

I'm kinda numb at the moment. Not much more to say. Time to get ready for work.

Meds

I've been trying to get off the anti-depressants. I've been completely off for a week and a half... Then last night, I start getting that creepy, desperate, completely alone feeling which I'm very familiar with. I've tried to describe it as looking straight down over the edge of a cliff.... Well, I decided that I don't want to confront that stuff right now. I started to take the Lexapro again last night. I want to figure out why I have that desperate feeling and fix it so I don't have to take meds anymore, but now is not the time. I think maybe the time to do it is when I have a tight-knit set of friends, or perhaps a relationship. When I'm going through those feelings I really need people around.

Communication Breakdown

I decided to start writing my thoughts down again.

So, the thing that has got me going now is my own failing as a communicator. To start with, I am not a mean person. Sometimes though, I communicate in a way that sounds mean-spirited. This is because there's some kind of anger behind my words. I'm not saying I should sanitize my communication so that anger never comes through, but in some situations, maybe I should just hold back until any anger or irritation has subsided. Context is important. Unfortunately, my judgment is terrible on what is appropriate vs. inappropriate communication. At work, for example, it's important that communications are presented in a productive way. You have to be able to remove your feelings from a situation and evaluate how a communication will be perceived. It needs to be presented in a way that helps, empowers, and moves things forward in a positive way. This is where I fail. Epic fail. I have a hard time removing my feelings from any of my communication, which is evident to people who have spent time around me.

I think this is where I can use the blog. Blow off steam here. Try to get my thoughts down and make sense of them. Then I can share them with friends and family. I think it's safe to say that if I blog it, then I am seeking counsel and soliciting insights, comments, and help.

So, when I fuck up a communication, I suffer over it for days. I have a hard time forgiving myself. Beyond that, if it happens at work, I spend a lot of time worrying that I have screwed up the team dynamic, or caused my coworkers to think less of me. Worst case, I find myself worrying that my communications gaffes will result in a very undesirable fate for me at my job... And I love my job and would hate to ever lose it. I would hate to have my communication problems screw up my career progress as well.

So, I screw up. Once it's done, it's done. The best I can do is apologize and try to make it right.

One of the problems is that I am not even aware sometimes about how my communication may be perceived, until it's brought to my attention or until I've gone back and re-read it hours or days later.

One thing that's lacking in my life is some support. There's nobody to say it's OK, you're OK, you're not a bad person just because you made a mistake... So I can repeat these things to myself... but it makes me feel better if someone else says it.

Entering the pit of despair...