meltdown

I've lost hope of ever being any good at my current career... Every day I go to work, I pretty much feel terrible about myself and am finding this intolerable. So, maybe this is a passing feeling and I'll regain a minimal level of confidence... Or not. Nevertheless, without this job, my life is a bucket of shit... The truth is that most of the people who work in this profession are nerdier, geekier, smarter, more focused, more productive, and younger than me. I just don't see how there's a future for me in it.... and I have no other talents with which I can make a living. Every day, I am humiliated by my counterparts who are obviously much more talented than me. It's an intolerable situation for me, and it's unsustainable.

Without the security of a career, everything else is on hold. No buying a house. No planning anything.

moving angst

So here's another view into the fragile psyche of me.

I am beginning to feel very anxious about the prospect of moving. Most of you won't be able to relate to what I'm saying, but I hope you'll get an understanding of why the thought of moving is so difficult for me.

First, as we've discovered, I have a basic dislike for change. It seems that the level of anxiety, verging on (and turning into) panic, that I experience from change is quite a bit greater than it is for the average person. It seems that I need certain routines to help me feel safe and stable.

Second, I feel kinda overwhelmed with all the work I'll have to do to make this happen. Packing, going through a bunch of accumulated garbage, organizing things, donating things, throwing out shit, more packing... and then cleaning... And then in the new place, I'd probably want to do some painting beforehand... Then the move in, the unpacking, the re-organizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood... I get crazy just thinking about it. And I'll have no help.

The third thing is the expense of moving. It will cost me some money. Sure, it's part of the expense of buying a place... along with buying a couch and a new TV. Mo $$$.

The fourth thing I dread is leaving behind the sanctuary. The place I'm in now has been my retreat since I moved to Seattle. Since those first several months when I was surrounded by so much unfamiliar and totally different and I was in a constant state of anxiety, this has been my safe place. Plus, it's got some nice green space in the back. It feels peaceful and separate from the city. This is what I need to find in a place that I move to.

Finally, the thing I fear is that the next place won't have this sanctuary quality. I can't afford the kind of place that's going to give me the green space that I need. When I'm at home, I need to forget the city in order to feel sane and safe. I want my green. I want trees and grass. I don't want cars and pavement and noise...

I can tell that this stuff is starting to wear me down already because I wake up with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach and I immediately begin thinking about moving... It's beginning to send me to that panicky place that I've found myself in far too often over the last few years. It kinda makes me dread weekends, cuz at least on weekdays I have work to distract me.

And being alone makes this 10 times worse.

enjoying the biking

I just started biking to work this week. It's been so long since I've been on the bike, but it only felt weird on the first day. You know what they say... "it's just like riding a bike." It's good exercise for my 46 year old body. It's only 3 miles each way, but it's the right amount of exercise for me right now.

I'm kinda excited about continuing with this biking thing. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I'd like to start working on some longer rides. The Burke Gilman trail is a good place to start.

backed out

Got out of the West Seattle deal. Now I'm just depressed. I'm not happy with myself... The lesson for me is to know better what I'm getting into before I make a decision. If I had spent more time trying to find out whether West Seattle was for me, I probably wouldn't have made the offer. OR, I would've gotten comfortable with West Seattle and this issue wouldn't have come up. Maybe I could've gotten comfortable with West Seattle, but I had to make a choice on the inspection by today. I had to get out or go all in...

If, for instance, I make an offer on a place in Fremont, and I have a panic attack I'll at least know it's not about Fremont.

I'm completely fucked up.

Empty hole in my stomach

It will surprise none of you that I had a terrible panic attack today. I was driving over to West Seattle for the home inspection when the feeling started to creep up on me. Everything is going to be different. Going over that bridge every day, over industrial hell, concerns me. I have a strong aversion to all that stuff. Yeah, I'll probably just get used to it... but the thought of it isn't sitting well with me right now. Remembering my last move, moving out to Seattle... It was extremely unpleasant. Adjusting to the area I'm in now was tough enough. It took me several months before I began to feel free of panic. Now I'm afraid of facing that again. I've had one attack now. Makes me afraid I'm gonna have these things every day now. I'm going to be in an entirely new area, crossing over the industrial ugliness every day. This is freaking me out. And I have to adjust to an entirely new area.

For those of you who have never had a panic attack, it's very scary... and it undermines your faith that you can deal with things emotionally. I can't do this stuff on my own. I hate being in a city with no family and no close companionship to lean on. I am not strong enough for this.

Although I love Seattle, I think that I will eventually want to move somewhere completely rural or suburban, someplace removed from the city.

Seriously, this panic gives me an idea to just bail on this whole process. Maybe West Seattle isn't for me. So I lose the earnest money... I can live with that. It would give me relief from this panic at least.

I gotta go nap.

Fuck it.

Friend claims he's gonna be my mortgage broker. Then when I need him to send over the pre-approval letter to my agent, he doesn't do it. He's out. Unless there was a death or family emergency, there is no excuse to not at least let me know he wasn't gonna get to it... Anyway, not surprising. He's a republican.

despair and other notes

Something is just nagging at me. Probably several things. I just have this general feeling of despair over my life right now.

I had a day at work where I felt pretty useless and didn't really accomplish much. I really hate that feeling. Amazon is not a bunch of slackers.

I'm severely overweight. My blood pressure is not good. I get headaches too often. I need to diet. I need to quit eating meat. I don't approve of it. If I had to slaughter an animal myself to eat it, I wouldn't... so I shouldn't eat it at all. But I really crave the stuff.

I need to find a home. This is just not easy. It's all about finding the right neighborhood...

Most of all, I'm just far too alone... I have no close friends that I can count on to be a more or less daily part of my life... I have no hope for relationships with women. I am too fat, too old, too self-loathing... I don't believe anyone would want to be with me, certainly not anyone that I might find attractive.

Feeling this way just makes me want to smoke weed every night... I'm gonna smoke a bowl now.

The 'n' Number of Habits of Happy, Healthy Humans

Keep a clean living area.

Arrange your home in an inviting, attractive way.

Keep up on household chores.

Cook for yourself. Eat mostly plants.

Read, turn off the TV.

Take trips, visit new places.

Spend lots of time outdoors.

Exercise every day.

disjointed

Pretty pathetic. I'm just feeling like a mess. Work, as usual, is the only thing that seems to make sense.

I'm not healthy. I need to drop the fucking 70 lbs.

I'm looking for place to live. So far, I'm not thrilled with my options. And it makes me anxious.

I'm taking a pottery class and I'm supposed to have 3 cylinders made before Thursday's class. I didn't go to the studio this weekend to do any work.

Saturday I had a migraine most of the day. Why am I having these lately? Is it weed related?

Sunday, I did nothing. No friends. No fireworks. No cookout. No beer. No females.

I have no motivation to go out and do anything.

Today, same deal. Napping. Didn't do shit. Had some good Mexican food.

Time is passing. Every day is another piece of my life I won't get back. I live in fucking Seattle and I've never been to the San Juan Islands. I've never been to Mount Rainier. I've never been to Olympic National Park. I haven't spent any time enjoying the outdoors in the Pacific Northwest.

I have a nice bike. I've never ridden it.

I have no close friends. I have no potential for relationships with women.

I recently wrote that the world is a bucket of feces and that life was just a long slog to death. It's really NOT how I feel. It's an attitude I adopt sometimes, but it doesn't really reflect how I feel about life in general.

Life can be great. People can make a difference in the lives of others. There's interesting things to see. There's mountains and forest. There's grass, and desert, and wildlife. There's sunshine and rain. There's the simple act of living, which needs no explanation or analysis or justification. You just don't ask what is the meaning. Why ask for reason?

Objectively, I have a very good life. I am very fortunate. But I am mentally blocked. I seem to lack the ability to be happy. I've thought this before, but it sounds fucking lame. Tick tock. Every moment is lost. It's a crime to let life go to waste... but that seems to be all I know how to do.

And I'm really not depressed... not in a scary tragic way anyway... I just feel overwhelmed with life. Always have. Tick tock.

I'm not very self-sufficient. I am lost. I've always been lost. Unable to live my life fully. Hating myself.

Waiting to be saved. Tick tock.

Well nobody's reading this fucking thing...

So, I'll just repeat the word fuck as any fucking times as I'm fucking able to... Fuck.

Nobody gives a fuck what's going on. Nobody cares what I'm thinking about. Nobody cares about my fucking plans. Nobody nobody nobody.

Fuckety fuck fucking fuckety fuck.

Hey Fuckers

That's all.

need a home

I'm really not in a good frame of mind. I'm confused now. Maybe confusion isn't the right description. Let's say, I don't know what I should do about the home search. It's time for me to buy a home of some kind. It's also about time I set up my living environment to support a healthier frame of mind. Unfortunately, I'm now skeptical about finding a neighborhood I'm comfortable with and that I can afford. I feel sick.

progression regression depression

A lot has improved in the last year. At times, I am able to see myself in a more favorable light. Actually, a lot of the time. Despite this, it doesn't take much to bring out a palpable sense of complete emptiness, despair, failure, and fear. It's difficult to embrace the idea that there's much of a future, although attempting to buy a home is a step in that direction.

What's bugging me? I spent the weekend looking for places to live. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here in Seattle. I'm not a city-person. Maybe I do need to just admit it and move over to Bellevue or Redmond or some other lame-ass place.

unnamed unknown

I'm stressing a bit over the living situation. It's time to find a new place. I'm trying to find a place to buy, someplace that I can make feel more like a home. Unfortunately, I am uncomfortable with anything that feels too urban. I was raised a suburban kid and I guess that hasn't changed. I just feel my anxiety increase when I am surrounded by a bunch of pavement and cars. I need to separate myself from all that stuff in order to feel sane. Ballard is just not gonna cut it in that regard. Some areas of Ballard might work but those are not the locations where the affordable homes are.

I was spoiled growing up in such a quiet, calm, suburban neighborhood. It was clean, well kept, green, attractive, on a very quiet street and several streets away from any other busy streets. These are the things I associate with feeling relaxed and at home. I actually find it almost despicable that I'm such a spoiled suburban kid and can't deal with neighborhoods that aren't quite as neat and clean.... but it is what it is.

So, I have to deal with the reality of who I am. I only feel comfortable in a clean, quiet neighborhood, with grass and trees... That's what I need to find... It's just not easy to do in Seattle (affordably)... Am I going to need to go over to West Seattle? Or the Eastside? Frankly, either one of those would make for a shitty commute to the new Amazon campus. Sometimes I really wish for a simpler life in a simple town... Seattle is great, but the only neighborhood I feel like I'd be comfortable living in is Queen Anne...

It's too bad, cuz I saw a few really nice townhouses in Ballard (that I could've afforded). Just wasn't comfortable with the neighborhood.

Now I'm down on this home-search process. Fuck.

Had a few dull pangs of anxiety on the walk home tonight, thinking about buying a home. It's not even about any of the "business" of making a deal, etc... It's about change. Changing neighborhood, surroundings, paths I walk or drive, stores where I shop, which bus routes I take, people I see every day. Certainly not stressful in the same way as moving to Seattle was, but I need to find the right neighborhood.

fight the power

I have no concern for the oil industry. No one needs to stand up for them. They have every fucking advantage they need to squash the public interest if they wish. I have picked a side; I choose marshlands, wildlife, fish, beaches, and endangered species. I have NO interest in being reasonable about this.

Uplifting thought for the day.

Yes, I feel old. And no, I don't have any more dreams to fulfill (except maybe getting laid again sometime before I die) and I don't expect to ever accomplish anything of value. I will not be remembered.

I would give anything to be 20 years old again, but I'd probably waste my life all over again.

You know what they say... "Youth is wasted on the young."

I'm 46 and it's just a long slog until I keel over... I hope to have laughs and friends and meaningful relationships, but I'm not that amped about anything. The world is a bucket of feces.

The End.

strategery

I just had to use that as a title.

What is strategery? I am going to think about this and write more. Feel free to suggest answers.

strategy

There's no simple answer. The issue isn't a single communication, or a strategy. It's a deeper question of my own disappointments, or anger, or insecurities, or whatever psychological garbage is driving me at any given moment.

The problem is that the editor is the same as the writer. The same mental filter used to produce a communication is also used to edit. So the idea of producing an emotionally neutral communication is naive...

The situation that motivated the earlier post was an email sent to a co-worker critiquing some stuff he had done. It's my job to try to improve quality and offer honest critique, but it's not my job to go any further than that. It's also my job to deliver the information in a way that respects a co-worker. I failed in that.

It's a problem when the person I am trying to critique, in all honesty, is clueless and incompetent.... and they were responsible for a project that I am certain I wanted and could've done a better job with. So my own personal feelings got involved... In cases such as this, I should just remove myself from the situation and leave it alone, until I am sure I am delivering an emotionally neutral communication. Probably requires at least a few hours after writing to go back to it with a clear head and read it as if I were the person on the other end.

I just discovered the missing link. Imagine I am the person on the other end and think about how I would receive the information if it were sent to me. That is the issue. My communication is about ME, and not about the other person.

Aaah, communication is about the other person, not me.

echo

Whether it's placebo or not, I feel the difference when I'm on anti-depressant medications. Less frayed, less agitated, and less prone to have those fearful moments when everything feels completely empty.

Once I have some support in place, I will try to get off them again. That could be awhile...... We'll see.

I'm OK with my communication breakdown situation now. Fortunately, the person who was the potential victim of my ineptitude did not take offense. I'm still not thrilled with myself, but what else is new?

I'm kinda numb at the moment. Not much more to say. Time to get ready for work.

Meds

I've been trying to get off the anti-depressants. I've been completely off for a week and a half... Then last night, I start getting that creepy, desperate, completely alone feeling which I'm very familiar with. I've tried to describe it as looking straight down over the edge of a cliff.... Well, I decided that I don't want to confront that stuff right now. I started to take the Lexapro again last night. I want to figure out why I have that desperate feeling and fix it so I don't have to take meds anymore, but now is not the time. I think maybe the time to do it is when I have a tight-knit set of friends, or perhaps a relationship. When I'm going through those feelings I really need people around.

Communication Breakdown

I decided to start writing my thoughts down again.

So, the thing that has got me going now is my own failing as a communicator. To start with, I am not a mean person. Sometimes though, I communicate in a way that sounds mean-spirited. This is because there's some kind of anger behind my words. I'm not saying I should sanitize my communication so that anger never comes through, but in some situations, maybe I should just hold back until any anger or irritation has subsided. Context is important. Unfortunately, my judgment is terrible on what is appropriate vs. inappropriate communication. At work, for example, it's important that communications are presented in a productive way. You have to be able to remove your feelings from a situation and evaluate how a communication will be perceived. It needs to be presented in a way that helps, empowers, and moves things forward in a positive way. This is where I fail. Epic fail. I have a hard time removing my feelings from any of my communication, which is evident to people who have spent time around me.

I think this is where I can use the blog. Blow off steam here. Try to get my thoughts down and make sense of them. Then I can share them with friends and family. I think it's safe to say that if I blog it, then I am seeking counsel and soliciting insights, comments, and help.

So, when I fuck up a communication, I suffer over it for days. I have a hard time forgiving myself. Beyond that, if it happens at work, I spend a lot of time worrying that I have screwed up the team dynamic, or caused my coworkers to think less of me. Worst case, I find myself worrying that my communications gaffes will result in a very undesirable fate for me at my job... And I love my job and would hate to ever lose it. I would hate to have my communication problems screw up my career progress as well.

So, I screw up. Once it's done, it's done. The best I can do is apologize and try to make it right.

One of the problems is that I am not even aware sometimes about how my communication may be perceived, until it's brought to my attention or until I've gone back and re-read it hours or days later.

One thing that's lacking in my life is some support. There's nobody to say it's OK, you're OK, you're not a bad person just because you made a mistake... So I can repeat these things to myself... but it makes me feel better if someone else says it.

Entering the pit of despair...