Empty hole in my stomach

It will surprise none of you that I had a terrible panic attack today. I was driving over to West Seattle for the home inspection when the feeling started to creep up on me. Everything is going to be different. Going over that bridge every day, over industrial hell, concerns me. I have a strong aversion to all that stuff. Yeah, I'll probably just get used to it... but the thought of it isn't sitting well with me right now. Remembering my last move, moving out to Seattle... It was extremely unpleasant. Adjusting to the area I'm in now was tough enough. It took me several months before I began to feel free of panic. Now I'm afraid of facing that again. I've had one attack now. Makes me afraid I'm gonna have these things every day now. I'm going to be in an entirely new area, crossing over the industrial ugliness every day. This is freaking me out. And I have to adjust to an entirely new area.

For those of you who have never had a panic attack, it's very scary... and it undermines your faith that you can deal with things emotionally. I can't do this stuff on my own. I hate being in a city with no family and no close companionship to lean on. I am not strong enough for this.

Although I love Seattle, I think that I will eventually want to move somewhere completely rural or suburban, someplace removed from the city.

Seriously, this panic gives me an idea to just bail on this whole process. Maybe West Seattle isn't for me. So I lose the earnest money... I can live with that. It would give me relief from this panic at least.

I gotta go nap.

Fuck it.

Friend claims he's gonna be my mortgage broker. Then when I need him to send over the pre-approval letter to my agent, he doesn't do it. He's out. Unless there was a death or family emergency, there is no excuse to not at least let me know he wasn't gonna get to it... Anyway, not surprising. He's a republican.

despair and other notes

Something is just nagging at me. Probably several things. I just have this general feeling of despair over my life right now.

I had a day at work where I felt pretty useless and didn't really accomplish much. I really hate that feeling. Amazon is not a bunch of slackers.

I'm severely overweight. My blood pressure is not good. I get headaches too often. I need to diet. I need to quit eating meat. I don't approve of it. If I had to slaughter an animal myself to eat it, I wouldn't... so I shouldn't eat it at all. But I really crave the stuff.

I need to find a home. This is just not easy. It's all about finding the right neighborhood...

Most of all, I'm just far too alone... I have no close friends that I can count on to be a more or less daily part of my life... I have no hope for relationships with women. I am too fat, too old, too self-loathing... I don't believe anyone would want to be with me, certainly not anyone that I might find attractive.

Feeling this way just makes me want to smoke weed every night... I'm gonna smoke a bowl now.

The 'n' Number of Habits of Happy, Healthy Humans

Keep a clean living area.

Arrange your home in an inviting, attractive way.

Keep up on household chores.

Cook for yourself. Eat mostly plants.

Read, turn off the TV.

Take trips, visit new places.

Spend lots of time outdoors.

Exercise every day.

disjointed

Pretty pathetic. I'm just feeling like a mess. Work, as usual, is the only thing that seems to make sense.

I'm not healthy. I need to drop the fucking 70 lbs.

I'm looking for place to live. So far, I'm not thrilled with my options. And it makes me anxious.

I'm taking a pottery class and I'm supposed to have 3 cylinders made before Thursday's class. I didn't go to the studio this weekend to do any work.

Saturday I had a migraine most of the day. Why am I having these lately? Is it weed related?

Sunday, I did nothing. No friends. No fireworks. No cookout. No beer. No females.

I have no motivation to go out and do anything.

Today, same deal. Napping. Didn't do shit. Had some good Mexican food.

Time is passing. Every day is another piece of my life I won't get back. I live in fucking Seattle and I've never been to the San Juan Islands. I've never been to Mount Rainier. I've never been to Olympic National Park. I haven't spent any time enjoying the outdoors in the Pacific Northwest.

I have a nice bike. I've never ridden it.

I have no close friends. I have no potential for relationships with women.

I recently wrote that the world is a bucket of feces and that life was just a long slog to death. It's really NOT how I feel. It's an attitude I adopt sometimes, but it doesn't really reflect how I feel about life in general.

Life can be great. People can make a difference in the lives of others. There's interesting things to see. There's mountains and forest. There's grass, and desert, and wildlife. There's sunshine and rain. There's the simple act of living, which needs no explanation or analysis or justification. You just don't ask what is the meaning. Why ask for reason?

Objectively, I have a very good life. I am very fortunate. But I am mentally blocked. I seem to lack the ability to be happy. I've thought this before, but it sounds fucking lame. Tick tock. Every moment is lost. It's a crime to let life go to waste... but that seems to be all I know how to do.

And I'm really not depressed... not in a scary tragic way anyway... I just feel overwhelmed with life. Always have. Tick tock.

I'm not very self-sufficient. I am lost. I've always been lost. Unable to live my life fully. Hating myself.

Waiting to be saved. Tick tock.