moving angst

So here's another view into the fragile psyche of me.

I am beginning to feel very anxious about the prospect of moving. Most of you won't be able to relate to what I'm saying, but I hope you'll get an understanding of why the thought of moving is so difficult for me.

First, as we've discovered, I have a basic dislike for change. It seems that the level of anxiety, verging on (and turning into) panic, that I experience from change is quite a bit greater than it is for the average person. It seems that I need certain routines to help me feel safe and stable.

Second, I feel kinda overwhelmed with all the work I'll have to do to make this happen. Packing, going through a bunch of accumulated garbage, organizing things, donating things, throwing out shit, more packing... and then cleaning... And then in the new place, I'd probably want to do some painting beforehand... Then the move in, the unpacking, the re-organizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood... I get crazy just thinking about it. And I'll have no help.

The third thing is the expense of moving. It will cost me some money. Sure, it's part of the expense of buying a place... along with buying a couch and a new TV. Mo $$$.

The fourth thing I dread is leaving behind the sanctuary. The place I'm in now has been my retreat since I moved to Seattle. Since those first several months when I was surrounded by so much unfamiliar and totally different and I was in a constant state of anxiety, this has been my safe place. Plus, it's got some nice green space in the back. It feels peaceful and separate from the city. This is what I need to find in a place that I move to.

Finally, the thing I fear is that the next place won't have this sanctuary quality. I can't afford the kind of place that's going to give me the green space that I need. When I'm at home, I need to forget the city in order to feel sane and safe. I want my green. I want trees and grass. I don't want cars and pavement and noise...

I can tell that this stuff is starting to wear me down already because I wake up with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach and I immediately begin thinking about moving... It's beginning to send me to that panicky place that I've found myself in far too often over the last few years. It kinda makes me dread weekends, cuz at least on weekdays I have work to distract me.

And being alone makes this 10 times worse.

enjoying the biking

I just started biking to work this week. It's been so long since I've been on the bike, but it only felt weird on the first day. You know what they say... "it's just like riding a bike." It's good exercise for my 46 year old body. It's only 3 miles each way, but it's the right amount of exercise for me right now.

I'm kinda excited about continuing with this biking thing. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I'd like to start working on some longer rides. The Burke Gilman trail is a good place to start.

backed out

Got out of the West Seattle deal. Now I'm just depressed. I'm not happy with myself... The lesson for me is to know better what I'm getting into before I make a decision. If I had spent more time trying to find out whether West Seattle was for me, I probably wouldn't have made the offer. OR, I would've gotten comfortable with West Seattle and this issue wouldn't have come up. Maybe I could've gotten comfortable with West Seattle, but I had to make a choice on the inspection by today. I had to get out or go all in...

If, for instance, I make an offer on a place in Fremont, and I have a panic attack I'll at least know it's not about Fremont.

I'm completely fucked up.