It will surprise none of you that I had a terrible panic attack today. I was driving over to West Seattle for the home inspection when the feeling started to creep up on me. Everything is going to be different. Going over that bridge every day, over industrial hell, concerns me. I have a strong aversion to all that stuff. Yeah, I'll probably just get used to it... but the thought of it isn't sitting well with me right now. Remembering my last move, moving out to Seattle... It was extremely unpleasant. Adjusting to the area I'm in now was tough enough. It took me several months before I began to feel free of panic. Now I'm afraid of facing that again. I've had one attack now. Makes me afraid I'm gonna have these things every day now. I'm going to be in an entirely new area, crossing over the industrial ugliness every day. This is freaking me out. And I have to adjust to an entirely new area.
For those of you who have never had a panic attack, it's very scary... and it undermines your faith that you can deal with things emotionally. I can't do this stuff on my own. I hate being in a city with no family and no close companionship to lean on. I am not strong enough for this.
Although I love Seattle, I think that I will eventually want to move somewhere completely rural or suburban, someplace removed from the city.
Seriously, this panic gives me an idea to just bail on this whole process. Maybe West Seattle isn't for me. So I lose the earnest money... I can live with that. It would give me relief from this panic at least.
I gotta go nap.
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