disjointed

Pretty pathetic. I'm just feeling like a mess. Work, as usual, is the only thing that seems to make sense.

I'm not healthy. I need to drop the fucking 70 lbs.

I'm looking for place to live. So far, I'm not thrilled with my options. And it makes me anxious.

I'm taking a pottery class and I'm supposed to have 3 cylinders made before Thursday's class. I didn't go to the studio this weekend to do any work.

Saturday I had a migraine most of the day. Why am I having these lately? Is it weed related?

Sunday, I did nothing. No friends. No fireworks. No cookout. No beer. No females.

I have no motivation to go out and do anything.

Today, same deal. Napping. Didn't do shit. Had some good Mexican food.

Time is passing. Every day is another piece of my life I won't get back. I live in fucking Seattle and I've never been to the San Juan Islands. I've never been to Mount Rainier. I've never been to Olympic National Park. I haven't spent any time enjoying the outdoors in the Pacific Northwest.

I have a nice bike. I've never ridden it.

I have no close friends. I have no potential for relationships with women.

I recently wrote that the world is a bucket of feces and that life was just a long slog to death. It's really NOT how I feel. It's an attitude I adopt sometimes, but it doesn't really reflect how I feel about life in general.

Life can be great. People can make a difference in the lives of others. There's interesting things to see. There's mountains and forest. There's grass, and desert, and wildlife. There's sunshine and rain. There's the simple act of living, which needs no explanation or analysis or justification. You just don't ask what is the meaning. Why ask for reason?

Objectively, I have a very good life. I am very fortunate. But I am mentally blocked. I seem to lack the ability to be happy. I've thought this before, but it sounds fucking lame. Tick tock. Every moment is lost. It's a crime to let life go to waste... but that seems to be all I know how to do.

And I'm really not depressed... not in a scary tragic way anyway... I just feel overwhelmed with life. Always have. Tick tock.

I'm not very self-sufficient. I am lost. I've always been lost. Unable to live my life fully. Hating myself.

Waiting to be saved. Tick tock.