So here's another view into the fragile psyche of me.
I am beginning to feel very anxious about the prospect of moving. Most of you won't be able to relate to what I'm saying, but I hope you'll get an understanding of why the thought of moving is so difficult for me.
First, as we've discovered, I have a basic dislike for change. It seems that the level of anxiety, verging on (and turning into) panic, that I experience from change is quite a bit greater than it is for the average person. It seems that I need certain routines to help me feel safe and stable.
Second, I feel kinda overwhelmed with all the work I'll have to do to make this happen. Packing, going through a bunch of accumulated garbage, organizing things, donating things, throwing out shit, more packing... and then cleaning... And then in the new place, I'd probably want to do some painting beforehand... Then the move in, the unpacking, the re-organizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood... I get crazy just thinking about it. And I'll have no help.
The third thing is the expense of moving. It will cost me some money. Sure, it's part of the expense of buying a place... along with buying a couch and a new TV. Mo $$$.
The fourth thing I dread is leaving behind the sanctuary. The place I'm in now has been my retreat since I moved to Seattle. Since those first several months when I was surrounded by so much unfamiliar and totally different and I was in a constant state of anxiety, this has been my safe place. Plus, it's got some nice green space in the back. It feels peaceful and separate from the city. This is what I need to find in a place that I move to.
Finally, the thing I fear is that the next place won't have this sanctuary quality. I can't afford the kind of place that's going to give me the green space that I need. When I'm at home, I need to forget the city in order to feel sane and safe. I want my green. I want trees and grass. I don't want cars and pavement and noise...
I can tell that this stuff is starting to wear me down already because I wake up with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach and I immediately begin thinking about moving... It's beginning to send me to that panicky place that I've found myself in far too often over the last few years. It kinda makes me dread weekends, cuz at least on weekdays I have work to distract me.
And being alone makes this 10 times worse.
2 comments:
ya ever talk to the landlord?... maybe ask if he or she is willing to sell that place? i have no idea if it is affordable or not... but i agree that the place is beautiful, i wouldnt wanna leave
bbg,
you are right: moving is a lot of work. but it's worth it.
it might be helpful to separate those things you need to do anyway (get a new couch, go through junk and throw stuff out) and the stuff that's just for the move. since you're not pressed for time, you can start doing some of this stuff a while before you move. that could ease the burden of the whole thing.
also, you could take zoe bird for a walk in any neighborhood that you're considering. she'd probably be a good judge of the greenery, etc.
xo
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