meltdown

I've lost hope of ever being any good at my current career... Every day I go to work, I pretty much feel terrible about myself and am finding this intolerable. So, maybe this is a passing feeling and I'll regain a minimal level of confidence... Or not. Nevertheless, without this job, my life is a bucket of shit... The truth is that most of the people who work in this profession are nerdier, geekier, smarter, more focused, more productive, and younger than me. I just don't see how there's a future for me in it.... and I have no other talents with which I can make a living. Every day, I am humiliated by my counterparts who are obviously much more talented than me. It's an intolerable situation for me, and it's unsustainable.

Without the security of a career, everything else is on hold. No buying a house. No planning anything.

moving angst

So here's another view into the fragile psyche of me.

I am beginning to feel very anxious about the prospect of moving. Most of you won't be able to relate to what I'm saying, but I hope you'll get an understanding of why the thought of moving is so difficult for me.

First, as we've discovered, I have a basic dislike for change. It seems that the level of anxiety, verging on (and turning into) panic, that I experience from change is quite a bit greater than it is for the average person. It seems that I need certain routines to help me feel safe and stable.

Second, I feel kinda overwhelmed with all the work I'll have to do to make this happen. Packing, going through a bunch of accumulated garbage, organizing things, donating things, throwing out shit, more packing... and then cleaning... And then in the new place, I'd probably want to do some painting beforehand... Then the move in, the unpacking, the re-organizing, adjusting to a new neighborhood... I get crazy just thinking about it. And I'll have no help.

The third thing is the expense of moving. It will cost me some money. Sure, it's part of the expense of buying a place... along with buying a couch and a new TV. Mo $$$.

The fourth thing I dread is leaving behind the sanctuary. The place I'm in now has been my retreat since I moved to Seattle. Since those first several months when I was surrounded by so much unfamiliar and totally different and I was in a constant state of anxiety, this has been my safe place. Plus, it's got some nice green space in the back. It feels peaceful and separate from the city. This is what I need to find in a place that I move to.

Finally, the thing I fear is that the next place won't have this sanctuary quality. I can't afford the kind of place that's going to give me the green space that I need. When I'm at home, I need to forget the city in order to feel sane and safe. I want my green. I want trees and grass. I don't want cars and pavement and noise...

I can tell that this stuff is starting to wear me down already because I wake up with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach and I immediately begin thinking about moving... It's beginning to send me to that panicky place that I've found myself in far too often over the last few years. It kinda makes me dread weekends, cuz at least on weekdays I have work to distract me.

And being alone makes this 10 times worse.

enjoying the biking

I just started biking to work this week. It's been so long since I've been on the bike, but it only felt weird on the first day. You know what they say... "it's just like riding a bike." It's good exercise for my 46 year old body. It's only 3 miles each way, but it's the right amount of exercise for me right now.

I'm kinda excited about continuing with this biking thing. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I'd like to start working on some longer rides. The Burke Gilman trail is a good place to start.

backed out

Got out of the West Seattle deal. Now I'm just depressed. I'm not happy with myself... The lesson for me is to know better what I'm getting into before I make a decision. If I had spent more time trying to find out whether West Seattle was for me, I probably wouldn't have made the offer. OR, I would've gotten comfortable with West Seattle and this issue wouldn't have come up. Maybe I could've gotten comfortable with West Seattle, but I had to make a choice on the inspection by today. I had to get out or go all in...

If, for instance, I make an offer on a place in Fremont, and I have a panic attack I'll at least know it's not about Fremont.

I'm completely fucked up.

Empty hole in my stomach

It will surprise none of you that I had a terrible panic attack today. I was driving over to West Seattle for the home inspection when the feeling started to creep up on me. Everything is going to be different. Going over that bridge every day, over industrial hell, concerns me. I have a strong aversion to all that stuff. Yeah, I'll probably just get used to it... but the thought of it isn't sitting well with me right now. Remembering my last move, moving out to Seattle... It was extremely unpleasant. Adjusting to the area I'm in now was tough enough. It took me several months before I began to feel free of panic. Now I'm afraid of facing that again. I've had one attack now. Makes me afraid I'm gonna have these things every day now. I'm going to be in an entirely new area, crossing over the industrial ugliness every day. This is freaking me out. And I have to adjust to an entirely new area.

For those of you who have never had a panic attack, it's very scary... and it undermines your faith that you can deal with things emotionally. I can't do this stuff on my own. I hate being in a city with no family and no close companionship to lean on. I am not strong enough for this.

Although I love Seattle, I think that I will eventually want to move somewhere completely rural or suburban, someplace removed from the city.

Seriously, this panic gives me an idea to just bail on this whole process. Maybe West Seattle isn't for me. So I lose the earnest money... I can live with that. It would give me relief from this panic at least.

I gotta go nap.

Fuck it.

Friend claims he's gonna be my mortgage broker. Then when I need him to send over the pre-approval letter to my agent, he doesn't do it. He's out. Unless there was a death or family emergency, there is no excuse to not at least let me know he wasn't gonna get to it... Anyway, not surprising. He's a republican.

despair and other notes

Something is just nagging at me. Probably several things. I just have this general feeling of despair over my life right now.

I had a day at work where I felt pretty useless and didn't really accomplish much. I really hate that feeling. Amazon is not a bunch of slackers.

I'm severely overweight. My blood pressure is not good. I get headaches too often. I need to diet. I need to quit eating meat. I don't approve of it. If I had to slaughter an animal myself to eat it, I wouldn't... so I shouldn't eat it at all. But I really crave the stuff.

I need to find a home. This is just not easy. It's all about finding the right neighborhood...

Most of all, I'm just far too alone... I have no close friends that I can count on to be a more or less daily part of my life... I have no hope for relationships with women. I am too fat, too old, too self-loathing... I don't believe anyone would want to be with me, certainly not anyone that I might find attractive.

Feeling this way just makes me want to smoke weed every night... I'm gonna smoke a bowl now.